Need Relationship Advice...

Discussion:

(too old to reply)

Kade

2004-05-20 18:23:47 UTC

(Please excuse this long post...)
I'm in a long-term relationship right now.
I love this person and have been living w/ her for a few years.
I love her meaning I care about her and I worry about her...
Almost all of my family and friends think she has an attitude problem
and I know she can be down-right bitchy at times.
My family and friends, who only tell me these things when I
specifically ask them, think I'm too nice for her and am better off
finding someone else.
I do notice the bad side of her, and on a few occassions I've realized
she's gotten mad at me for no reason at all, which drives me crazy.
Now this is not all one-sided--meaning only my point of view.
We've had talks w/ her close friends too, and they too say she is
really bitchy towards me sometimes... surprisingly so since she's so
nice to other people, especially her friends.
Anyway, I'm not sure what to do.
I love her and feel like if I break-up w/ her, her life will change
dramtically.
She'd have to find a place to live, maybe even move since her family
and friends do not live near us.
I know she loves me, and I know she's not cheating on me, but she just
has this attitude that kills me every time I notice it.
Yes, I've told her about it and sometimes she'll ackowledge it and
says she'll try harder to control it.
I do believe I'm a really nice guy, and I do give-in to her sometimes
just so we don't have to argue...
We'd argue, not talk to each other for a few days, then slowly start
to talk to each other, then things will be great, then we'd argue
again... it's like a cycle that goes on over and over.
I know I have a couple choices here: I can break up w/ her and find
someone else, or I can continue to try to make it work w/ her.
Is it like this for all you long-term couples outh there that aren't
married?
Do you have to really try to make things work?
Or should it be a lot easier than this?
I'm not worried about finding someone else... that's easy, but I'm
afraid of what will happen to her, and I'm afraid of what "could have
been".
We do love each other, but I know that's not enough to make a
relationship last.
Any advice? help? Anything?
(Thanks in advance!)

Lou

2004-05-21 19:48:05 UTC

Permalink

Post by Kade
(Please excuse this long post...)
I'm in a long-term relationship right now.
I love this person and have been living w/ her for a few years.
I love her meaning I care about her and I worry about her...
Almost all of my family and friends think she has an attitude problem
and I know she can be down-right bitchy at times.
My family and friends, who only tell me these things when I
specifically ask them, think I'm too nice for her and am better off
finding someone else.
I do notice the bad side of her, and on a few occassions I've realized
she's gotten mad at me for no reason at all, which drives me crazy.
Now this is not all one-sided--meaning only my point of view.
We've had talks w/ her close friends too, and they too say she is
really bitchy towards me sometimes... surprisingly so since she's so
nice to other people, especially her friends.
Anyway, I'm not sure what to do.
I love her and feel like if I break-up w/ her, her life will change
dramtically.
She'd have to find a place to live, maybe even move since her family
and friends do not live near us.
I know she loves me, and I know she's not cheating on me, but she just
has this attitude that kills me every time I notice it.
Yes, I've told her about it and sometimes she'll ackowledge it and
says she'll try harder to control it.
I do believe I'm a really nice guy, and I do give-in to her sometimes
just so we don't have to argue...
We'd argue, not talk to each other for a few days, then slowly start
to talk to each other, then things will be great, then we'd argue
again... it's like a cycle that goes on over and over.
I know I have a couple choices here: I can break up w/ her and find
someone else, or I can continue to try to make it work w/ her.
Is it like this for all you long-term couples outh there that aren't
married?
Do you have to really try to make things work?
Or should it be a lot easier than this?
I'm not worried about finding someone else... that's easy, but I'm
afraid of what will happen to her, and I'm afraid of what "could have
been".
We do love each other, but I know that's not enough to make a
relationship last.
Any advice? help? Anything?
(Thanks in advance!)

It sounds like you are looking for permission/justification to break
up with your girlfriend. You are the only one who can permit this
decision, but I may have a few things for you to think about. If it's
this bad now, when you are not married, think about how things may
change when you do get married. Think about how your girlfriend may
act during times of stress. Is she supportive when you are in a
difficult situation? If you have friends and family approaching you
about this situation, then it's probably more than just your typical
mood swings from time to time. Ultimately, the only thing you should
consider (since you are not yet married) is your personal fulfillment.
Does this relationship fulfill your needs? Does this relationship
inspire you to be a better person? Experience has taught me that if
one spends more time contemplating the relationship over acutally
enjoying new experiences involved with the relationship, then it is
probably not a good thing. I don't know exactly how you are feeling,
but if your mind is in a constant state of questioning then it is
probably trying to tell you something. Your mind knows what you want
and need. Do not ignore it.

claccess

2004-05-30 12:02:25 UTC

Permalink

Post by Lou

I think you've got it spot on Lou. My fiancee (now), has always been
exactly like that, and we have had cycles of endless arguments. It's
been difficult, and fighting it has only seemed to make me more and
more like her, which is certainly not good. Yes, I think really being
positive goes a long way, but you need resolve like steel in the face
of having it thrown back at you without acknowledgement. I think my
fiancee and I have learnt much, just seems like there is still a lot
to learn. I think I am a naturally a very patient and calm person, and
as a result, I've managed to see it through to getting engaged and the
wedding. However, I'm not sure everyone would be able to do the same.
However, for the 90% of sheer happiness when we are not arguing, 10%
is something I have been able to ignore.

Good luck, and I hope you make the right decision.

Lee

2004-05-29 02:34:16 UTC

Permalink

First, I strongly encourage you to break the cycle---Stop arguing.
Once you get in the habit of arguing it is hard to break. Realize
that when you stop arguing she will continue to argue or try to get
you to argue because you have shown her in the past that you would
argue and she expects it( even though she may not realize it) Love
requires work to endure it doean't just happen. She does not see
herself the way you see her. She does not have evoungh
self-confidence and does not think within herself that she deserves
you. You have to help her realize that by emphasizing her good
qualities. Stop continuing to point out her faults. Learn to
overlook some especially those that are not important. Don't give her
everything she wants but do your best to give her everything you can
that she needs--and those things are the invisible things like
support, encouragement, praise(sincere) or compliments,etc. One other
thing she may feel,inspite of what so many consider as normal (living
together outside of marriage), wrong. Living together in a long term
affair she may unconciously feel that she made a mistake that in
reality you may not love her that you are enjoying the benefits of
marriage without the committment. You also have to learn patience.
When she starts being bitchy don't feed into to it-learn to ignore it
no matter how bad it gets. Instead simply say things like how
beautiful she is, even when she gets mad, and mean it. Learn to put a
humerous touch to the situation to where you can get her to laugh
also. It is hard being angry or mad when one is laughing. Don't give
up and don't listen to the doomsayers. It is easy for one to suggest
to someone to break up with someone for the advisor never has to pay
the consequences. In reality it does not affect them one way or the
other. You are the one that has to live with your decision whatever
it might be.. Always remember that success is just beyond failure and
if you really love her then make the commitment to her by marrying her
with the commitment to make it for life. If you have any problems
with her as far as you having any jealousy, if you do, eliminate it.
Jealousy is a relationship destroyer for the one is is jealous in
reality is insecure within themself as a person. Sex, age, the person
they are jealous about have nothing to do with jealousy. The person
that they are jeslous about is only a stimulus that brings out the
symptom of insecurity, which is what jealousy is. If she gets angry
and tries to start an argument and you feel you are getting angry
yourself learn to control yourself and walk away and cool off then
come back and talk things out. Arguing achieve nothing because each
party is so busy trying to get their point across that they really
don't listen to the other person and when the emotions get hot to
often words are said and taken out of context which causes feelings to
be hurt. REmember that when someone hits you your natural reaction is
to hit back. The same holds true with emotions. When one's emotions
are hurt the natural reaction is to hurt back. Love of that special
someone a mate for life is one of the greatest things on earth.

a***@hotmail.com

2004-10-07 23:51:43 UTC

Permalink

Wow, this sounds alot like my relationship. My wife has a really bad
temper, though I must admit that I do as well. Many times, though, I
find that I get pissed off at her attitude; when I respond to it a
fight follows. Sometimes it gets nasty, with cursing, sarcasm and
name-calling. It's all emotionally exhausting. And it just goes on and
on, like a vicious cycle. I often say that it takes two to battle, but
even if you're not arguing you're enabling the situation. As long as
she feels like she can push you around, she will. If this girl loves
she'll stop treating you the way she does. If you love her, you owe it
to yourself to try to work things out. Otherwise, you need to consider
walking away from the relationship. I'm considering walking away from
mine. I often think I'd be better off alone - or with someone else.
Perhaps you would be too.