Is there something wrong with me or her?

[t***@aol.com]

Currently in a relationship for a year. She has lived with me for the
past 6 months. She does not work. I pay for everything including
food, personal items, parking tickets, vacations,her car, insurance,
and give her a $1900 allowance per month for things not related to
living expenses. I have asked her innumerable times to find a job
because I think it is healthier to have an occupation rather than sit
at home all day on the computer, chatting with friends, and working on
her webpage. When she isnt on the computer, she goes out with her
friends (all who have to work for a living) to clubs or to eat out.
Additionally, the only other thing I have asked her to do is to start
exercising regularly (like I do) since she is so sedentary. Somehow
after a year, none of the things that I have asked of her (get a job,
and start exercising have come about.) We went to a movie last nite,
and I woke up and started cleaning things in the house. She woke up
about 2 hours after me, and I was cooking breakfast, and I asked if she
wanted some, and she said yes. She then proceeded to go upstairs and
get online to update her personal blog and webpage.

The thought occured to me: WAIT A MINUTE, SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT HERE.
I work and totally support her, why am I making breakfast?

[Jennifer Ann]

Post by t***@aol.com
Currently in a relationship for a year. She has lived with me for the
past 6 months. She does not work. I pay for everything including
food, personal items, parking tickets, vacations,her car, insurance,
and give her a $1900 allowance per month for things not related to
living expenses. I have asked her innumerable times to find a job
because I think it is healthier to have an occupation rather than sit
at home all day on the computer, chatting with friends, and working on
her webpage. When she isnt on the computer, she goes out with her
friends (all who have to work for a living) to clubs or to eat out.
Additionally, the only other thing I have asked her to do is to start
exercising regularly (like I do) since she is so sedentary. Somehow
after a year, none of the things that I have asked of her (get a job,
and start exercising have come about.) We went to a movie last nite,
and I woke up and started cleaning things in the house. She woke up
about 2 hours after me, and I was cooking breakfast, and I asked if she
wanted some, and she said yes. She then proceeded to go upstairs and
get online to update her personal blog and webpage.
The thought occured to me: WAIT A MINUTE, SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT HERE.
I work and totally support her, why am I making breakfast?

If all this is on the up and up, I agree with you. Relationships are
built on mutual trust and respect. If one only takes and doesn't
give back, the well will soon dry up.

I think you and she needs to have a real heart to heart talk about your
relationship.

Jenny

[Alvi]

no se ingles

[loosid]

As simple as this sounds, why not just have a talk with her. Ask her
what her plans are as far as working.

It is very easy to get into a dependant pattern when someone is taking
care of you. There is little personal motivation to do something for
herself. It's like when you were a kid and living at home, and just
expected to have everything handed to you. You never thought twice
about what it really takes to make a living, pay bills etc... Sounds
like she's a bit immature as far as this goes, maybe was taken care of
all the time and is use to it.

Ultimately you want a partner, ot sure if marriage or antying is a
possibility. But people are together to share in life and also to have
a supportive partner in every way.

As werid as it seems, you should just approach the subject in anice
way, not aggressive to start a fight, and ask what her plans are.
Maybe if she's in a rut you don't mind supporting her at the moment,
but you would like her to work sometime soon to take some of the
pressure off of you. Fair is fair.

[Giovanni Azua]

Hi,

I had kind of the same for three years of my life. Result? wasted.
After three years just supporting my ex-wife in every aspect of life
you know what happened? She escaped home robbing all my
money! because she thought she "deserved it". I never betrayed
her, always treated her right, only I admit could not trust her
completely and I was so stupidly and blindly in love as to give
her the signature of my bank account ... she always told me
joking she was my "sanguijuelita" (bloodsucker in spanish)
now I believe her.

I know mine is an extreme case, but it does have many things in
common to yours. This is my very honest opinion:

- She does not deserve you. I would even imply that
she does not care about you, otherwise she would be
trying to make You happy as well as you do to her.
She is at the very best extremelly selfish, do you want
that for the rest of your life?

- She prefer to hang on someone's shoulder and is not
willing to do anything for herself. Lack of goals in life
does she get depressed? any signals of frustration?
even worse if she doesn't.

- She is making a life at your cost but not really with you.

- Do you make love often? have you had to wonder where
she could be some time? have you been affraid of she having
an affair?

Ask yourself what will happen if you:

- have children and something happens to you, assume you
died, she will have to manage but she is unable to ...
do you plan to have children?
would you like that future for your children?

- do you want your children to follow her example?

I know this sounds tough BUT this is what the experience tells me.
I just want to help and I really don't have fun telling bad things.

Make a life that makes You happy, 1rst thing, think about your own
happiness, she does have little in common with you, I really wonder
how can you even enjoy being toguether.

HTH,
Best Regards,
Giovanni