advice seeker
2005-12-29 00:02:34 UTC
Hey everybody,
I've got a huge problem and I need some advice fast. Unfortunately, to
really understand what's going on, I have to write quite a bit. Please
take the time to read this:
First of all, I am relatively young (23) but am sure I have found the
love of my life. My girlfriend means so much to me, I enjoy going to
the fridge to get her a sprite if she's thirsty and I don't mind waking
up in the middle of the night and turning the heater on because she's
cold. Basically, it's like her emotions are magnified on me. If I
make her happy, then I feel even happier myself. Conversely, if I
make her upset, I feel like garbage. Recently, though, I've been doing
an awful lot that ends up making her upset, and I really want to stop,
but I don't know how.
The basic problem, for me at least, lies in one of her exes. When we
first started dating, he would call her from time to time, and she'd
never answer in front of me, always saying what a jerk he was. It
turns out, this is a guy that used to cheat on his girfriend w/ my
current girlfriend (although not while she was with me). Anyway, she'd
never answer his calls, and told me she hadn't talked to him. Then, a
little later, she told me that she had actually planned on seeing him
but hadn't because she loves me. I took the "planned on seeing him" to
mean "planned on hooking up with him", and had a fit, but we got
through it, and seemed alright. I, however, wasn't alright. I began
to be very suspicious of her talking on the phone, I even went so far
as to look at her old text messages from time to time, and I'd actually
see his name on them once in a while, and every time I'd see it we'd
have a huge fight. Now, I'll spare you a few details, but basically
one time I made her promise to me that she'd never talk to him again,
and she looked me in the eyes and made that promise. Then, not too
long later, I ended up snooping and actually found that she had talked
to him again, we had a huge fight, and I ended up apologizing for
snooping, again. Our most recent fight was the exact same thing again,
though this time it was because she'd just started a myspace account,
and two days into it she said "guess who messaged me today?" I said
"good or bad?" and she said "bad for you" and it was the same old guy.
I did my best to try and put it out of my mind, I went for a run and
then cleaned the shower, and then just went to sleep, doing my best to
be pleasant. The next day, though, I went straight to her page and
looked at the message he sent. She saw me do this, told me I'd never
get over my snooping ways, and left. I've currently signed up for
couples counseling, but she's at her mom's house, deciding whether or
not to show up.
Anyway, I just want someone's opinion on this, and some advice as to
what to do. The way I see it is: I am wrong to snoop, I admit that. I
do trust her completely: it's not like she's actually sneaking around
with this guy, it's just that hearing his name makes me think of her
lying to me, the fact that she helped hurt some other poor woman (w/
the cheating), and myself being weak and snooping. Sometimes, I get so
emotional, I start to try and make everything her fault in my head,
saying "why didn't she just cut off contact with him so I wouldn't have
to think about this?" My question, though, is since I know it just
hurts me to find out, why do I insist on snooping? How can I get to
where I don't care if she talks to him, and how can I remove all of
those negative images from my head? It's not like he's sent anything
that's not simply friendly, but just his name bothers me so much. I
want, more than anything else, for this relationship to work, and she's
not willing to budge on keeping him as a friend. I'd appreciate any
advice or insight, even if it's just "you're stupid, don't be so
jealous". Thanks in advance.
I've got a huge problem and I need some advice fast. Unfortunately, to
really understand what's going on, I have to write quite a bit. Please
take the time to read this:
First of all, I am relatively young (23) but am sure I have found the
love of my life. My girlfriend means so much to me, I enjoy going to
the fridge to get her a sprite if she's thirsty and I don't mind waking
up in the middle of the night and turning the heater on because she's
cold. Basically, it's like her emotions are magnified on me. If I
make her happy, then I feel even happier myself. Conversely, if I
make her upset, I feel like garbage. Recently, though, I've been doing
an awful lot that ends up making her upset, and I really want to stop,
but I don't know how.
The basic problem, for me at least, lies in one of her exes. When we
first started dating, he would call her from time to time, and she'd
never answer in front of me, always saying what a jerk he was. It
turns out, this is a guy that used to cheat on his girfriend w/ my
current girlfriend (although not while she was with me). Anyway, she'd
never answer his calls, and told me she hadn't talked to him. Then, a
little later, she told me that she had actually planned on seeing him
but hadn't because she loves me. I took the "planned on seeing him" to
mean "planned on hooking up with him", and had a fit, but we got
through it, and seemed alright. I, however, wasn't alright. I began
to be very suspicious of her talking on the phone, I even went so far
as to look at her old text messages from time to time, and I'd actually
see his name on them once in a while, and every time I'd see it we'd
have a huge fight. Now, I'll spare you a few details, but basically
one time I made her promise to me that she'd never talk to him again,
and she looked me in the eyes and made that promise. Then, not too
long later, I ended up snooping and actually found that she had talked
to him again, we had a huge fight, and I ended up apologizing for
snooping, again. Our most recent fight was the exact same thing again,
though this time it was because she'd just started a myspace account,
and two days into it she said "guess who messaged me today?" I said
"good or bad?" and she said "bad for you" and it was the same old guy.
I did my best to try and put it out of my mind, I went for a run and
then cleaned the shower, and then just went to sleep, doing my best to
be pleasant. The next day, though, I went straight to her page and
looked at the message he sent. She saw me do this, told me I'd never
get over my snooping ways, and left. I've currently signed up for
couples counseling, but she's at her mom's house, deciding whether or
not to show up.
Anyway, I just want someone's opinion on this, and some advice as to
what to do. The way I see it is: I am wrong to snoop, I admit that. I
do trust her completely: it's not like she's actually sneaking around
with this guy, it's just that hearing his name makes me think of her
lying to me, the fact that she helped hurt some other poor woman (w/
the cheating), and myself being weak and snooping. Sometimes, I get so
emotional, I start to try and make everything her fault in my head,
saying "why didn't she just cut off contact with him so I wouldn't have
to think about this?" My question, though, is since I know it just
hurts me to find out, why do I insist on snooping? How can I get to
where I don't care if she talks to him, and how can I remove all of
those negative images from my head? It's not like he's sent anything
that's not simply friendly, but just his name bothers me so much. I
want, more than anything else, for this relationship to work, and she's
not willing to budge on keeping him as a friend. I'd appreciate any
advice or insight, even if it's just "you're stupid, don't be so
jealous". Thanks in advance.