Discussion:
Confusing situation
(too old to reply)
Anonymous User
21 years ago
Permalink
Here's my situation, which may not be typical, but nevertheless
confuses my wife & I very much:

My wife recently met another man (she admitted it to me), and without
getting into too much detail about that, she started having second
thoughts about her relationship with me. The other man has been
living with a woman for 13 years, but that couple never married or had
children (the man is still living with that woman). While we did do
some counseling for a little while and resolved the "issues" she had
with me, she nevertheless still does not feel that she is physically
attracted to me anymore, she does not feel that she "loves" me
anymore, and she wants a right to engage in extramarital sex should
such a situation arise. However, she also still trusts me and is
comfortable with me and feels "attached" to me.

My primary issue with all of this is that she does not love me
anymore. She admits she is not sure what love is. She insists that
love requires "feelings" and "passion" with an individual, something
she has lost with me. I believe love is something bigger than that
and comes from a conscious choice and decision to love the specific
person, and maintaining certain feelings is not essential to keeping
this choice. She disagrees that someone can choose who to love, even
though a fundamental part of taking marriage vows (something two
people *decide* to do) is to commit to love, honor, cherish each other
forever. Mars vs. Venus?

Consequently, we have an irreconcilable difference. While she is
willing to remain in the marriage and overlook this deficiency, I feel
this is a rather huge deficiency which goes to the fundamental core of
what a marriage is (love), and having her live with me unsatisfied and
unattracted to me, and for us to try to start a family (no children
yet) while she feels this way about me would be a big mistake in the
long-term. I am therefore strongly insisting that unless she can
resolve this issue about whether she loves me or not, we need a legal
separation leading into a divorce, unless during the separation she
can resolve her internal conflict about what love is and if she can
love me again.


I'm interested in people's opinions about this situation.

Am I being too serious?
Am I pressuring her to make a decision?
Is this issue as important as I am making it out to be?
Do any of my ideas about love have merit?
What are your opinions about what we should do?


Thanks for your thoughts.
Joe "Nuke Me Xemu" Foster
21 years ago
Permalink
...
Trial separation. If you ever acquiesce to her catting around
while staying 'married', congratulations, you've become her doormat
and have given up any hope whatever of regaining her respect.
Retain a divorce attorney *now*, unless of course you *want* to be
taken to the cleaners. The sooner she comes to realize what she
might be losing forever, the better, if it isn't already too late.
Good luck, you're going to need it.
--
Joe Foster <mailto:jlfoster%40znet.com> Sacrament R2-45 <http://www.xenu.net/>
WARNING: I cannot be held responsible for the above They're coming to
because my cats have apparently learned to type. take me away, ha ha!
Viper
21 years ago
Permalink
...
She's not attached to you, but to your wallet, and paycheck.. Dump her.
Jade
21 years ago
Permalink
...
You're not being too serious. I was somewhat in your wife's shoes a
few years ago, but I was the one who made the decision to divorce
because I couldn't be with a man that I never loved ... long story,
involved arranged marriage, etc (he actually wanted me to stay and
allowing me for extramarital sex.)
You and your wife are right about love:imho, initial
attraction/falling in love is important, as well as the commitment to
continue to love. Many people have the illussion that because they
lost the "high" of being in love, they don't love anymore, which is
not true.
You can't change how she thinks, think about yourself and ask yourself
if you're willing to put up with this. If not, leave her. For now
she doesn't want to leave you because she hasn't got any commitment
from the other man, yet, but mark my word, once the other man proposes
to her, she'll drop you just like that! I've personally known a man
and a woman who did this to their spouses, very low integrity.

Continue reading on narkive:
Loading...