Jealousy I dont understand my girlfriend

[Vosper]

I've been with my girlfriend for about six months; we have both come
together off the back of very destructive long term relationships.
From what she has told me, and the little I have seen her former
partner is a very bad person. However, the significant thing is that
he is and was even when they were together very jealous of her,
accusing her of fancying his friends etc.

For the most part we are happy but there are a few problems, the most
significant one is that some of the things she says trigger a jealous
feeling in me. I normally don't say anything I just go home and sleep
on it. The only time I did react was quite early in our relationship
just before we were about to make out she made a comment that lead me
to believe that if we had continued, it would not have been me she was
thinking about while having sex but a famous actor. An argument
followed, after which she left. So far it has only been people in the
public domain (always handsome men) who trigger this chain reaction.
She'll say something like, I like him! Or, he's nice! And I'll think I
hate this I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks
like that. I've never really had this problem before, of course I've
had girlfriends make comments about other guys like, he has nice eyes
or he has nice hands whatever. But when my current girlfriend does it
she seems to be really into the whole person, she even has a picture
of one in her bedroom. I don't understand where she's coming from or
what she means, does she desire them physically? What's the difference
between her attraction to them and her attraction to me? I don't
understand why she has to tell me, it's entirely possible she could
think it without saying anything, not that that would help. Do all
women think like this?

I myself can look at a woman and say, yes she is attractive but I have
no immediate desire to posses her, be with her, or have sex with her.
Obviously as a heterosexual male I could dwell on the thought of that
person and think, what if? But I don't. In all honesty I would have to
make a conscious decision to do so. That's because physically I find
the woman I have attractive and very sexy.

What ads to my annoyance is my girlfriend seems quite possessive of my
desire. The other day she came into my flat unexpectedly while I was
on the computer wasting time playing games. She intimated it was OK
for me to be on the PC so long as I wasn't looking at pictures of
women, why would she think it was OK for her to "like" other men but
not OK for me to "like" other women. Don't get me wrong in times of
frustration the internet plays its part, the more frustrated I get
with her the bigger part it plays. But I'd much rather look at my
girlfriend in provocative poses and sexy outfits than images on a
computer screen, and if I were using the internet I'd rather she was
there to. Both my former partners were OK with this eventually, but
both those relationships are over. As far as I'm aware my current
partner would never agree to that sort of thing, she is very shy about
her body.

I am at the end of my tether I felt so bad I was thinking of ending
the relationship this morning, but I don't really want that. I just
want an open honest relationship and to be able to understand where
she is coming from and not feel jealous so any advice is more than
welcome.

[cherie]

I'd say she is just trying to make you jealous. She probably wants to
see a visible reaction to her comment about some other man. She is
probably used to this reaction from her other relationship. Sometimes
negative, unhealthy behavior is more enticing and harder to overcome
than positive, healthy behavior. Sad but true. But so what if she says
"He's nice." or even "He's so good looking" is it so wrong to make a
comment like that? If she imagines someone else, well so do most
people in long term relationships, at least those that I've talked to.
I imagine other men. But not usually with any particular face. Just
other men. But then again, I am divorcing my husband of 20 years. My
boys are old enough and it is mutual. Anyway, I wish you the best. You
sound like a really nice guy.

Post by Vosper
I've been with my girlfriend for about six months; we have both come
together off the back of very destructive long term relationships.
From what she has told me, and the little I have seen her former
partner is a very bad person. However, the significant thing is that
he is and was even when they were together very jealous of her,
accusing her of fancying his friends etc.
For the most part we are happy but there are a few problems, the most
significant one is that some of the things she says trigger a jealous
feeling in me. I normally don't say anything I just go home and sleep
on it. The only time I did react was quite early in our relationship
just before we were about to make out she made a comment that lead me
to believe that if we had continued, it would not have been me she was
thinking about while having sex but a famous actor. An argument
followed, after which she left. So far it has only been people in the
public domain (always handsome men) who trigger this chain reaction.
She'll say something like, I like him! Or, he's nice! And I'll think I
hate this I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks
like that. I've never really had this problem before, of course I've
had girlfriends make comments about other guys like, he has nice eyes
or he has nice hands whatever. But when my current girlfriend does it
she seems to be really into the whole person, she even has a picture
of one in her bedroom. I don't understand where she's coming from or
what she means, does she desire them physically? What's the difference
between her attraction to them and her attraction to me? I don't
understand why she has to tell me, it's entirely possible she could
think it without saying anything, not that that would help. Do all
women think like this?
I myself can look at a woman and say, yes she is attractive but I have
no immediate desire to posses her, be with her, or have sex with her.
Obviously as a heterosexual male I could dwell on the thought of that
person and think, what if? But I don't. In all honesty I would have to
make a conscious decision to do so. That's because physically I find
the woman I have attractive and very sexy.
What ads to my annoyance is my girlfriend seems quite possessive of my
desire. The other day she came into my flat unexpectedly while I was
on the computer wasting time playing games. She intimated it was OK
for me to be on the PC so long as I wasn't looking at pictures of
women, why would she think it was OK for her to "like" other men but
not OK for me to "like" other women. Don't get me wrong in times of
frustration the internet plays its part, the more frustrated I get
with her the bigger part it plays. But I'd much rather look at my
girlfriend in provocative poses and sexy outfits than images on a
computer screen, and if I were using the internet I'd rather she was
there to. Both my former partners were OK with this eventually, but
both those relationships are over. As far as I'm aware my current
partner would never agree to that sort of thing, she is very shy about
her body.
I am at the end of my tether I felt so bad I was thinking of ending
the relationship this morning, but I don't really want that. I just
want an open honest relationship and to be able to understand where
she is coming from and not feel jealous so any advice is more than
welcome.

[Vosper]

Thanks very much for the advice and the compliment; you may right
about her wanting a reaction from me. Jealousy seems to have played a
significant part in her former relationships. I'm not sure what you
mean by "Sometimes negative, unhealthy behaviour is more enticing and
harder to overcome than positive, healthy behaviour." Do you mean it
keeps things exciting to stir it up a bit? She's told me she gets
bored quickly. From day one she said I should communicate with her
when things she does bother me. She seemed so earnest in not wanting
to repeat the mistakes of the past. So I do wonder why she would do
this if indeed you are right. Insecurity perhaps, she is a bit older
than me, perhaps she wants to see exactly where I'm coming from.