MamaYoda
2004-09-23 08:29:19 UTC
Needs second opinion about relationship hiccup...
X [male] and Y [female] are an attractive, relatively successful
couple, and been together for a total of 8 years.
6 years ago, X had a short-lived affair with an unhappily-engaged
co-worker; trusting Y found out under shocking circumstances and
stormed out; a regretful and apologetic X ran after Y; Y gathered
enough strength and took X back.
The crisis taught both parties what/ who is important; they got back
together stronger than ever.
X & Y moved to a new city, constructed a new, better life together. 6
years later, their live-in relationship is considered very strong and
loving by their friends and co-workers, who view them a "happily
married" couple. But a shadow from the past looms under the
cheerfulness...
X never talked about why he had that by-most-account destructive
affair with anyone - not even his closest male buddy, or Y, or
possibly, even himself. In the following 6 years, X deliberately
avoided discussion of that episode; he reckons it's "better to just
move on from a past he is not particularly proud of", and "let's not
dwell on something that happened X years ago". Besides, X doesn't
generally talk about emotional matters.
Consequently, Y lives in fear of X's unexamined, hence to her,
menacing shadow self - "who may just drop another traumatic atom bomb
one of these fine days". People and settings - which may or may not
cause a repeat occurance of that traumatic incident - continue to
remind Y of such a potential. Y reckons X should face up to some of
his "darker side", in order to be truly free of its influence.
X complains that he "has no dark side", and Y is one "imaginative
paranoid" and "dwells too much in the past". He doesn't see how his
present work & social environment, or "mostly innocent" workplace,
post-work social flirtations can contribute to Y's occasional
distress. X insists that Y has nothing to worry about, and Y should
learn to trust and have faith in him the way he trusts her 300%.
Y insists she has tried her best to trust X, but X is not doing his
part. His "dismissive" attitude towards his past wrongs show "a lack
of honest self-reflection or sincere remorse", which - given the right
set of circumstances - can be fertile seeds for repeated incidents.
She feels as long as X refuses to own up to "the thing that motivated
his past destructive actions", he is not free from its control.
Basically, Y wants X to help her recover her peace of mind, by
"consciously taking account of his deeper motivations", but a
relunctant X feels he doesn't need such internal self-examination for
he's "free of demons", nor should he be required to "demonstrate
sincere remorse about something happened x years ago", and that Y
should "just get over it".
And then, something happened recently...
Context: Y has asked X a few times over the years if he has one-to-one
lunch or coffee breaks with female coworkers, and each time X has
insisted that with the exception of the top few female supervisors, he
doesn't have one-to-one lunch with single or attached female coworkers
as a rule. Y would've accepted it if X said he would not censor out
female coworkers for one-to-one lunch. But anyway, Y simply took X's
words as truth...
One day recently, Y found out coincidentally that X had a one-to-one
lunch date with a former, low-mid-level, just-divorced female
co-worker called S. The lunch date was apparently arranged a day in
advance. Though the couple were not at all close with S and husband, Y
met S many times, and X did mention to Y about S's recent divorce.
However, X did not tell Y before hius lunch date with S, nor the few
days afterwards, until Y found out accidentally.
Y, of course, freaked. After a long cut-the-crap confrontation, X
finally admitted that
[a] he intentionally kept Y from knowledge of the lunch appointment
with S [and could not provide any convincing enough reason to justify
his secretiveness other than "Y would freak the way she's freaking at
him right now"]
[b] he apparently had many such "spontaneous" non-work-related
one-to-one lunch and coffee breaks with single female co-workers over
the years, some of whom with notorious love-life reputations
Y is more distraught by X's dishonesty, and cares less about the
identity of the personalities involved.
The above relatively minor incident has put another major dent on
their relationship, and become the latest item on X's
"evade-ignore-better-leave-in-past list" and Y's "scary secretive
untrustworthy traits of X list".
-------
Questions:
1. If you were Y, would you trust X today?
2. Should any girlfriend/ wife trust X?
3. Which is more true: Y untrusting, or X untrustworthy?
4. What should X and/or Y do to remedy this long-term dilemma?
X [male] and Y [female] are an attractive, relatively successful
couple, and been together for a total of 8 years.
6 years ago, X had a short-lived affair with an unhappily-engaged
co-worker; trusting Y found out under shocking circumstances and
stormed out; a regretful and apologetic X ran after Y; Y gathered
enough strength and took X back.
The crisis taught both parties what/ who is important; they got back
together stronger than ever.
X & Y moved to a new city, constructed a new, better life together. 6
years later, their live-in relationship is considered very strong and
loving by their friends and co-workers, who view them a "happily
married" couple. But a shadow from the past looms under the
cheerfulness...
X never talked about why he had that by-most-account destructive
affair with anyone - not even his closest male buddy, or Y, or
possibly, even himself. In the following 6 years, X deliberately
avoided discussion of that episode; he reckons it's "better to just
move on from a past he is not particularly proud of", and "let's not
dwell on something that happened X years ago". Besides, X doesn't
generally talk about emotional matters.
Consequently, Y lives in fear of X's unexamined, hence to her,
menacing shadow self - "who may just drop another traumatic atom bomb
one of these fine days". People and settings - which may or may not
cause a repeat occurance of that traumatic incident - continue to
remind Y of such a potential. Y reckons X should face up to some of
his "darker side", in order to be truly free of its influence.
X complains that he "has no dark side", and Y is one "imaginative
paranoid" and "dwells too much in the past". He doesn't see how his
present work & social environment, or "mostly innocent" workplace,
post-work social flirtations can contribute to Y's occasional
distress. X insists that Y has nothing to worry about, and Y should
learn to trust and have faith in him the way he trusts her 300%.
Y insists she has tried her best to trust X, but X is not doing his
part. His "dismissive" attitude towards his past wrongs show "a lack
of honest self-reflection or sincere remorse", which - given the right
set of circumstances - can be fertile seeds for repeated incidents.
She feels as long as X refuses to own up to "the thing that motivated
his past destructive actions", he is not free from its control.
Basically, Y wants X to help her recover her peace of mind, by
"consciously taking account of his deeper motivations", but a
relunctant X feels he doesn't need such internal self-examination for
he's "free of demons", nor should he be required to "demonstrate
sincere remorse about something happened x years ago", and that Y
should "just get over it".
And then, something happened recently...
Context: Y has asked X a few times over the years if he has one-to-one
lunch or coffee breaks with female coworkers, and each time X has
insisted that with the exception of the top few female supervisors, he
doesn't have one-to-one lunch with single or attached female coworkers
as a rule. Y would've accepted it if X said he would not censor out
female coworkers for one-to-one lunch. But anyway, Y simply took X's
words as truth...
One day recently, Y found out coincidentally that X had a one-to-one
lunch date with a former, low-mid-level, just-divorced female
co-worker called S. The lunch date was apparently arranged a day in
advance. Though the couple were not at all close with S and husband, Y
met S many times, and X did mention to Y about S's recent divorce.
However, X did not tell Y before hius lunch date with S, nor the few
days afterwards, until Y found out accidentally.
Y, of course, freaked. After a long cut-the-crap confrontation, X
finally admitted that
[a] he intentionally kept Y from knowledge of the lunch appointment
with S [and could not provide any convincing enough reason to justify
his secretiveness other than "Y would freak the way she's freaking at
him right now"]
[b] he apparently had many such "spontaneous" non-work-related
one-to-one lunch and coffee breaks with single female co-workers over
the years, some of whom with notorious love-life reputations
Y is more distraught by X's dishonesty, and cares less about the
identity of the personalities involved.
The above relatively minor incident has put another major dent on
their relationship, and become the latest item on X's
"evade-ignore-better-leave-in-past list" and Y's "scary secretive
untrustworthy traits of X list".
-------
Questions:
1. If you were Y, would you trust X today?
2. Should any girlfriend/ wife trust X?
3. Which is more true: Y untrusting, or X untrustworthy?
4. What should X and/or Y do to remedy this long-term dilemma?